Breaking Dawn, Part 1: A Reaction

** NOTE This post was actually written to be posted on Forever Young Adult, and I just copied it here because it’s my blog. If you like YA lit and found this post through a Google search and don’t know about FYA, you really need to go and check that site out. Even if this review upsets you. **

 

I like the Twilight films. I like them a lot. I just don’t like them as they are intended to be enjoyed. I laugh at Twilight films a lot. Belly laughs. Horrified laughs. Laughs of disbelief. This isn’t me trying to be “too cool” for the series; I’m clearly not in the target market for this fiction. I came to this film series out of curiosity and I have stayed for the audacious level of awfulness that pervades it. This post is a reaction to the latest installment. I have never read the books, and I have no plans to do so. Ever. EVER. Thanks to the Internet, I had a fair idea of what was coming to me. It was part of the experience. I’m not sure if a spoiler alert is even necessary here, really, but I may as well make it clear: I am going to write in detail about specific scenes in this dog’s dinner of a film. It’s not a review, and it’s not quite a rant. It’s a reaction.

The Twilight film we’ve all been waiting for, when Kristen Stewart transforms into Avril Lavigne.

Breaking Dawn assumes the crown of best/worst Twilight movie. It’s a masterpiece, really. Despite the low depths to which the earlier films gleefully plunged, despite the unrivalled ability of the two principal actors to make a scene feel like they have the ability to slow down time itself to fit in more boredom, and despite my preparedness (oh, damn my hubris!) for really crazy gender issues, this film ensured my jaw remained solidly open for long stretches of time. Nothing that has come before this in the series is even remotely as insane as what happens in this film. The male characters have never been creepier, the vampire characters have never been more bland or less interesting, the central character of the entire series has never been more infuriating and, frankly, never been more outrageously political in a way that I am not sure belongs in fiction aimed at young girls. Well no, allow me to correct myself. I am completely sure that politics like this (read: extreme) should not be in fiction aimed at young people of either gender.

Let’s get started then… The film starts with Bella being awkward (aww… bless!) in some high heels while Edward Cullen stands on a balcony looking forlorn and, crucially, ignoring the central character of the story, the woman he is about to marry. He just stands there looking out on to the veranda while his weird doctor “dad” carries wooden benches around on one shoulder. Incidentally, this begs the question, yet again, of just how stupid the residents of Forks have to be. We are way beyond Clark Kent and spectacles at this point. I mean, there has to be some kind of construction industry or events management in the Forks area, right? It’s a small town. There’s probably one contractor and everyone would know who it is. He or she would be upset they didn’t get set-up job for the Cullen wedding. Ok, only a few hours’ work, but hey it’s cash, and who did they get to move all that equipment and vintage wooden furniture that we are supposed to think grows naturally in the wild in Washington?

Anyway. Sorry.

So, Edward then turns up in Bella’s bedroom, because this is considered completely normal at this point and has been their standard courting procedure for four films now. He then does the forlorn thing and tries to talk her out of marrying him. The night before the wedding. He doesn’t deserve her, and this upsets him so much that he wants to make sure that her big day is ruined by him complaining. This is a theme, by the way. There’s more, though; he is not undeserving because of the usual fake humblebrag reasons, but because he has a murky vampire human-killing past. You see, Edward was a crime-fighting vampire, who would stalk nineteenth century American towns solving crimes, feeding only on would-be rapists and attackers. This horrifies him, because he’s the worst vampire ever, and has absolutely no effect on Bella whatsoever, because she doesn’t care about human life and just wants to make sure that Edward is comfortable and that he has everything he wants. Meanwhile I’m waiting for the flashback where he’s wearing a full on deerstalker a la Sherlock Holmes. It’s beyond terrible, makes no sense, was admittedly quite funny, and serves absolutely no purpose in this film except to show that Edward is an inconsiderate idiot who is constantly creating drama for no reason. Again: this is a theme.

 

So, the wedding happens, and to be honest, I found it very boring. Meyer’s cameo was pretty hilarious. The “first kiss” is predictably gross, and all I could think of was how young people today probably haven’t seen the scene in The Wedding Singer where Drew Barrymore describes a socially acceptable wedding kiss. Pro tip, kids: don’t make out on the altar. It’s gross. At the wedding ceremony, Edward brings Bella out to meet Jacob, because he’s understanding and he’s so secure in their love, and he can’t pass up the opportunity to have a huge amount of drama on the day that he is getting married. Jacob gets upset because Bella and Edward will do sex on their honeymoon, and this will kill Bella. Bella, in what is another theme in this film, is fairly convinced that the power of human will triumphs over scientific fact. Now that I think of it, Bella Swan has a lot more in common with Mao Zedong than I realized. Shortly after a meaningless shouting match, more guests get upset, and as is traditional at a wedding, share this with the young couple directly, because it’s not like this is an important day or anything. Then everyone gets together to cheer the fact that this guy is taking an 18 year old girl into his Volvo and driving her to a secret location. Bella’s dad points this out, and how we all laugh. Silly Charlie. They’re in love! Everything will be ok!

This secret location, after a risible detour into Rio de Janeiro where we establish that poverty is a fascinating aspect of The World Outside America and pretty people make out in public, is an island that the vampires own. They have their own island. This has never been mentioned. This family has the means to charter their own private jets, they own a speedboat, and they own an island, and they have never mentioned this. How have they never mentioned that they own an entire island? Complete, of course, with a beautiful house and quaint native American house helpers, who walk around speaking Spanish and performing admirably as typically racist caricatures. Then, Edward and Bella have sex. It’s hilarious.

From this point on, it is made abundantly clear that the male characters in this film are creepy, possessive jerks. In the previous film, this was mostly implied. Blindingly obvious, but implied. In Breaking Dawn… So, after the obligatory sex has been conducted, Bella is reminiscing about how AMAZING it was when Edwards points out that she has bruises lining her arms. She points out that she doesn’t care, that she loves him and the sex was good, and I really don’t have the strength to get into all of that. It’s creepy. What is more creepy, in my opinion, is that Edward then expresses remorse and refuses to have sex with her for the rest of the honeymoon. So, let’s get this straight: the groom finally yields to his bride’s insatiable (and let’s face it, sinful) urges, but then decides to use sex as a weapon against her by denying it to her for the next two weeks. Really.

Look at her, playing chess in her little hot pants. TRAMP.

Then, Bella is somehow magically pregnant. I say “magically” because this is treated as the biggest plot twist in modern fiction. Basically, we have been subjected for years now to a story about werewolves whose clothes magically grow back after transformations Hulk-style, vampires with iridescent diamond skin, and a weird Vampire-led illuminati operating out of Italy, and the biggest shock in the series is that an 18 year old woman got pregnant after she had sex? This is a joke, right? I mean, we’re all in on this one, aren’t we? RIGHT???  Edward’s reaction to this is to immediately become a caricature of the evil boyfriend who rejects God and worships abortion doctors. There is a lot of grabbing the phone away from Bella, yelling at her for being the reason that sex is inherently bad (pay attention, ladies!) and bringing in previously mentioned racist caricatures to glower at her and cry out in Portuguese. The subtitles claim she was saying “Death!” but we all know she was really pointing out that Bella is a massive whore for having sex and that the cycle of life is profane.

This film turns into a very badly written political discussion piece on abortion. Really. I mean… Why would you do that? One of the most divisive issues in modern society, and you introduce it into fiction written for teenage girls? What? For no reason whatsoever, Bella and Edward now swap positions on the value of life. Bella suddenly starts talking about her baby and how the baby must live no matter what. At one point they tell her that she will die and the baby won’t make it anyway and she decides to try anyway because, you know, life is a miracle and like, she loves the baby so much, you know, and like… It’s really, really awful. Incidentally, I am not making any assumptions about the “correct” position in this argument. I just know this argument shouldn’t be happening in this film. At one point, characters actually take positions in an astonishingly badly written debate on whether or not abortion is wrong. It’s truly bizarre.

Meanwhile, the film has been busy introducing characters that I’ve never heard of while introducing subtle hints that pedophilia is an acceptable practice if you’re a werewolf. I wish I was joking. The best scene of the series so far, by a country mile, brings us a mad fevered dream of a run through the forest by a werewolf that ends with some kind of Model UN meeting between a bunch of CGI wolves having a heated discussion telepathically. There’s a lot of yelling while these wolves mug for the camera, and nothing really gets resolved, except that for some reason the entire werewolf community has gotten involved in this idiot’s (Jacob’s) teen drama. Also, there’s some kind of doggy face-off and power struggle, but the whole thing has less gravitas than a Beethoven film.

As the film is coming to an end, the filmmakers suddenly introduce some horror elements, and actually almost make it interesting. Bella drinks blood milkshakes, and it’s extremely disgusting and pretty cool. She has also by this time become horrifically emaciated. The whole “physical horror of childbirth” thing actually has a bit of a theme going for a while. Then there’s a deliberately vague scene that glosses over the disturbing specifics of the child’s birth, Jacob falls in love with a baby, and Edward injects an enormous syringe into Bella to try and save her life, then biting her all over her body including at least one rude place. It’s really, really odd. Also, werewolves turn up and they have another conversation and they explain that now that Jacob loves the baby, they can’t attack because pedophilia is the most important component of werewolf culture. Why they can’t murder everyone there EXCEPT the baby and Jacob, and then live happily ever after except for a weird conversation on adoption and parenthood at Thanksgiving dinner at some point down the road, is never adequately explained.

Also, I want to post a pro tip for my fellow dudes out there, particularly the younger dudes who may actually be in a “love triangle.” Hey, I’ve been in one or two. First of all, there is no love triangle. There is a person in the middle who likes attention. Secondly, if you marry a girl and she insists that this other dude be included at all times, and she wants to name your first born after him (unless it’s a girl, then she’ll make up an embarrassingly stupid name instead), you should leave her. Because guy, I’m telling you right now, she’s planning for a few “mistakes” after too much wine going forward. You know, while you’re out of town, attending the vampire conference?

I think the weirdest thing about this film is that despite all of the madness I just described, and more that I did not describe, I walked out of the cinema feeling like nothing had really happened. I suppose, what did happen? A teenager got married, got pregnant, refused to include her father (or her mother) in an extremely important moral and medical decision, and then some werewolves shouted at each other. This series is insane. Bring on Part 2.

Sons of Anarchy is going a bit off the rails

I don’t watch a lot of television. Frankly, I need to devote what precious time I have after work for cultural consumption to whatever books, video games and films I can get my hands on. Sons of Anarchy has, however, proved a worthy exception. What a show this has been. Really great storylines have been crafted around characters that are for the most part utterly irredeemable. The show seems to particularly relish building up some form of sympathy for a character, some sign of decency that we can hold on to, just so that it can remind us that all of the characters in this show are real, concrete, and products of this community defined by violence and crime. You know. They’re jerks.

 It’s been a lot of fun. I’ve been totally fine with a bunch of weaknesses in the overall show. The whole Irish storyline has been a bit all over the place. Admittedly, it’s a bit difficult to get too upset with the decision to completely over-estimate the role of the Real IRA in present day Northern Irish politics (or even criminal politics) and international gun running, when it’s a fantastic example of pretty impressive creative license. No, my main issue with the Irish storylines is the puzzling decision to have actual, genuine Irish actors on the show with good accents, and then very important and central characters played by actors who couldn’t do an Irish accent to save their lives. I still don’t know what Jimmy O was talking about half the time, and I grew up about ten minutes’ drive from his character’s main turf.

I’ve even put up with the whole Tara thing. Really, they could have just killed Tara off a long time ago. I mean, does anybody REALLY care about Tara? Wouldn’t we all prefer to just see Jax off doing his biker thing without having to stop once a show and either express adolescent declarations of love or cry? Sons of Anarchy is at its best when the guys are doing insane things. Also, Tig should probably be the main character. In fact, Kim Coates should share top billing with Ron Perlman. Perlman is the reason I came to the show in the first place. If it were up to me, I would have had Jax and Tara killed off in some kind of huge explosion, leaving Tig and Clay to travel the back roads of California, solving mysteries and beating the crap out of bad guys. Like an incredibly violent hybrid of the A-Team and Scooby Doo, with bikers. And Ron Perlman and Kim Coates.

 

Look at this picture: Ron Perlman is awesome. Thanks to him, and a great cast in general, I’ve watched the SAMCRO boys run around with automatic rifles, set off massive explosions, travel to Ireland and somehow settle a major dispute within a (supposedly) well established terrorist organization and generally be bad ass in as many different ways as the writers could imagine. It’s been great. Over the last couple of weeks though, things have gone too far.

I believe Clay is a dirt bag. I do. I also understand that he’s motivated by fear, that he doesn’t want to lose his club, and that greed is a lot closer to the motives for these guys than any of them will admit. However, his recent turn to villainy has been way, way too direct and doesn’t make a ton of sense. Perlman is doing the best that he can, but I can’t help but feel that the writers are trying too hard to finally work in this whole “Hamlet” thing they’ve been going on about for the last four years. I really feel like we’d all moved on. Meanwhile, rather than just kill Tara, thus answering my prayers (relax everyone, this is fiction), the writers have crippled her thereby giving the character the opportunity to grandstand and cry and generally be annoying. Yes, I get that she is messed up in the head right now, but bashing her own hand to pieces in a fit of rage was ridiculous. I understand the concept of being self-destructive. I was 16 once as well. It’s why I like the show. This is getting out of control. 

I don’t know. It’s infuriating. Things are hopefully taking a turn for the better. Opie’s transition into the Angel of Death could be pretty good. There’s always hope for Jax. Lord knows the writers haven’t been shy about making radical U-turns with his character before. At the end of the day though, that bloody diary is going to persist as a plot device. I liked it in the first season because it gave me a reason to root for Jax, before I realized that this show either doesn’t want you to root for anyone, or wants you to root for everyone and feel guilty about it. I also like that Kurt Sutter continues to give himself one of the best characters in the entire show, but keeps his involvement tasteful. That face-off with Lincoln Potter was pretty sweet. I have to respect a guy who writes himself a bad-ass part like that but keeps it low-key and doesn’t let it derail the rest of the show.

So, will I keep watching? Yeah, of course I will. I watched the entire run of the Sarah Connor Chronicles for God’s sake. Maybe we’ll get a spin-off. Tig gets arrested and put away, but he’s let out on condition that he help the police solve crimes. In San Francisco. With a shabby overcoat. Kim Coates is the next Columbo, is what I’m saying.

Sybok and Friends: Why I don’t hate Star Trek V

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier is much maligned as one of the odd numbered, and thus awful, original cast Star Trek films. I’m a bit of a freak, as I actually like these films. Maybe not Star Trek: The Motion Picture, but Search for Spock and Final Frontier are just fine in my book. What? Generations? Don’t be silly. That film never actually happened.

So yes, I quite like the odd numbered original cast films, and I find myself particularly at odds with most of humanity when it comes to Final Frontier. I’m not saying the movie is perfect; far from it. However, I have this feeling throughout the whole movie that the intentions behind the project are good, and it’s always felt that way to me. Shatner, despite infamously participating in the “get a life” sketch, has been profoundly faithful to Star Trek fan culture even if his motives are slightly hard to determine from the various strands of his ego. His direction of Final Frontier is all about that. The film opens with a Vulcan laughing. A Vulcan? Laughing? For people like me, who grew up with the films and watched a lot of Star Trek: The Next Generation but not much else, this is a big deal.

The film goes along in a similar vein. The whole Yosemite interlude and the “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” stuff is intended as fan service. Fair enough, it’s Shatner’s idea of fan service, an insight for fans into the lives of Kirk and the other two guys. It is a nice touch though, even if the joke that Spock doesn’t get it (again) falls a bit flat. But hey, that’s why we had DeForest Kelley. Regardless of how flat a Star Trek scene gets, if Deforest Kelley is there things will be alright. Incidentally, Kelley used to get a lot of fan mail from actual doctors, and he would sign them “From the reel McCoy to the real McCoy.” The guy was pure class. And cool as a cucumber.

Shatner is a little different. The climax to the movie essentially involves Kirk standing up to God and winning, or at least successfully defeating an alien entity of previously unknown power. Everything about the finale feels right to me though, in concept, if not in practice. There’s something so old school about breaking through the unbreakable barrier to have a long chat with a well voiced special effect. The climax to the film highlights everything about this film that I like, a strange mixture of Shatner’s considerable ego and his genuine fondness for the material. Of the series of original cast films, The Motion Picture and Final Frontier stand out as having the most tv-friendly plots. Despite the numerous problems inherent in that fact, the fifth film in the series works for me.

Of course, it’s far from perfect, and I have to agree that the film’s detractors make excellent points. The rather sudden emergence of Spock’s brother after several motion pictures and an entire television series is rather grating. I can imagine that for fans of The Original Series it must have been infuriating. It all makes you feel just a little sorry for Laurence Luckinbill, who does a great job with one of the sillier characters produced by the films. What was Sybok’s story anyway? I know that the character grew out of insane Shatner ideas about evil intergalactic televangelists, but where does he end up? Is he a bad guy? I never really see him as a bad guy, just as some kind of brainwashing nomad. We know very little about his background except that he was an excellent student, became a revolutionary, and was somehow raised alongside Spock even though they had different mothers. Did Sarek have a Big Love situation going on of which I wasn’t aware? That was never clear to me.

Grrrr.

It all leaves poor Todd Bryant to pick up the slack as the film’s bad guy. He does a great job with what he’s asked to do, but unfortunately all that entails is him barking a lot and complaining about shooting things or not having things to shoot. Kirk’s understandable hatred for Klingons, exacerbated by the murder of his son in Search for Spock is completely ignored, even though it’s a major plot point in Undiscovered Country. There’s two major problems here: after the Genesis Trilogy, despite all the ridiculous time-travelling Save the Whales stuff, Final Frontier was on a hiding to nothing. The film is basically presented as a standalone story, when perhaps it would have been fun to keep some form of continuity. Undiscovered Country certainly hearkens back to those films. Final Frontier is hung out to dry a little.

Seriously. This guy means business.

Search for Spock, another odd-numbered film, is saved by the bad guy. There’s a clear definition here. He kills Kirk’s son! It doesn’t hurt that Christopher Lloyd innately understood that a genre movie needs the best bad guy possible, and that being the best bad guy possible often involves chewing up as much scenery as possible. Christopher Plummer understood this, too. In Undiscovered Country he plays a Klingon general with a leather eye-patch who quotes Shakespeare, for crying out loud. It should be offensively stupid, but it’s an absolute blast from start to finish. I wish they’d given him more time on screen.

I am in blood, stepped in so far… It would have been awesome if he had said that, too.

So, what kills Final Frontier in the end? I don’t think it’s Sybok. It’s the lack of a clearly defined bad guy and the weird TV effect of being a standalone story in between a trilogy of successful Star Trek films and the original cast members’ official goodbye to the fans, via the successful foiling of the space Cold War. In space. I like Final Frontier. I do. Stop being mean to it, Internet.

Oh, video games…

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This stuff drives me crazy. All the good work being done in the industry, all the great games being produced, innovating in storytelling and technology and game theory… And there is stuff like this.

 

It strikes me as a weird copy of some East Asian game most likely. This stuff all reeks of a weird mix between the kind of drinking games that start up after dinner and the “racy” tv shows that air after midnight in places like Taiwan and Japan. It’s just odd. Of course, the Wii market is completely to blame. The console has been so successful that the catalogue is flooded with all kinds of dross.

 

I just want to know one thing: how does this trailer get made? Apart from it being ridiculous, it’s pretty sexist, regardless of whether or not the two dudes take their shirts off at the end (or get spanked…). I don’t know, count me out anyway.

Dragons will always be cool.

I have been pretty pessimistic about Sucker Punch recently. I like Zack Snyder a lot, but Watchmen had a lot of problems, and 300 was just downright silly. Silly, not cool. This whole slow motion thing… yeah Zack, please let the slow motion thing go. This heightened speed followed instantly by slow motion type of shot got old halfway through 300. So, please stop.

I also wasn’t really into Sucker Punch’s thing with girls in miniskirts and guns vibe. Yes, I know it’s empowering and everything, apparently. It just feels like a nerd’s wet dream to me. A male nerd. I suppose at least he didn’t go for an entirely Asian cast or something.

Despite these reservations, I love this new trailer. Dragon, giant samurai with minigun, perfectly chosen song… I think that all trailers should contain each of these elements from now on. Including On Golden Pond 2: The Reckoning. That would be sweet.